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Posted on Mon, Jun 21, 2010 : 7 a.m.

How to become a less prickly — and much nicer — person to be around

By Annie Zirkel

Rose thorns2 CCingridtaylar.jpg
This is the third in a four-part series on prickly people.

We can all be prickly sometimes. And being prickly doesn't mean we aren't awesome, it means that it's likely that our thorns are keeping people from knowing that.

So are you willing to consider that, "Yeah, I could be less thorny to be around"? If you are ready to try to get out of your own way, let's first consider the attitudes to have that set you on this new course. Then we'll look at some easier and some more challenging ideas to choose from so you can get started.

5 Attitudes for Less Prickliness Being less prickly starts with having the right mindset going in. Consider these 5 steps to a nicer-to-be-around you. (Note: If you are reading this you probably already have Nos. 1 and 2):

  1. Appreciate that your presence affects others for better or worse. (Frankly this is HUGE!)
  2. Understand that effect. (As in how do your prickly issues affect others’ prickly boundary and attachment issues?)
  3. Care about that effect.
  4. Consciously work to bring more better and less worse energy into interactions. (See below)
  5. Have good boundaries in terms of your responsibility to keep your defenses reasonable and others’ responsibilities to manage and minimize their own thorny reactions.

Ideas for being less prickly Being conscious of HOW you present yourself will keep you from looking like a porcupine to others. Think flexibility, generosity, optimism and respect. Consider picking several of the following to start with:

Smile more; look in the mirror and work on appearing less prickly; be a bit less harsh and a bit more soft in your interactions; be kind; be kind when challenging; choose a positive tone of voice (it really makes a difference); choose to be nicer; work on your sense of humor; work on your timing; respect others' boundaries; ask permission to give advice (extremely important!); give less advice; give more encouragement; talk less; listen more; increase your empathy.

Ultimately to change your aura, you need to own and remove as many thorns as possible. Don't be righteous or cocky about the damage you do. Don't use other people's prickles as a justification for using yours. Be trustworthy with others' attachment while not dismissing your own reasonable needs.

Challenge your thoughts and assumptions (meaning don't assume your thoughts are accurate or that every person is out to get you); don't take things so personally; be less attached to your way of seeing/doing things; put your stresses into perspective; learn better skills for dealing with conflict when it arises; own your baggage instead of pawning it off on others; become more comfortable with your own and others' mistakes and imperfections.

For deeper change, you will likely need to invest and do some self exploration - read articles and books (I recommend "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz and "Mindset" by Carol Dweck), journal, practice mindfulness meditation (it really works!), go to communication skills workshops, invest in therapy to heal and grow from your past.

Best way to become less prickly? Pick one change and get started. Then don't stop. Good luck.

Final Installment next Monday: Part 4 - Relating to Prickly People

Annie Zirkel, LPC is a Relationship Consultant based in Ann Arbor, Mi and consciously works every day to minimize her prickliness. You can contact her at annie@practicehow.com Photo from www.flickr.com/photos/ingridtaylar/ / CC BY 2.0A