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Posted on Wed, Jul 6, 2011 : 12:25 p.m.

A pet's role as an 'emotional Third' can strengthen relationships between people

By Lorrie Shaw

The concept of couples therapy has been popular for quite some time and has enabled those who have faced the difficulties of sharing life with another human being to open up and see past differences and the like.

Let's be honest. We all love to hang onto our own opinions, ways and views. It's easy, isn't it? It might seem so, but as all of us can attest, it doesn't bode well for a healthy relationship.

Being in a relationship can be challenging. Relations with parents and siblings can be daunting enough, but the relationships that you choose outside of the family unit are vastly different. You're coming together to form a bond with someone who has been raised in a family other than your own: different households, parts of the country — perhaps different cultures even change the dynamic of how we relate to each other.

doglisteningkunta.tokyo.jpg

flickr photo courtesy of KUNTA.TOKYO

In therapy, there is a concept of the "Third." As Lewis Aron, Ph.D. defines it, the "Third" is a therapist — one who helps couples find a place in the middle where they can meet up on issues.

It's great having that third, neutral party to be available to give insight, support and enable us humans to strengthen our emotional tools so that we can co-exist and flourish in relationships.

But consider that role — does it always need to be human? Not necessarily, as some have figured out.

In her blog today on PsychCentral.com, Suzanne B. Phillips, Psy. D., ABPP discusses how pets in many cases, bridge that gap between us humans sometimes when we are at an impasse or other challenging "place."

It's an interesting concept, and one that I have experienced at times. Well, maybe more than the average person: I spend the better part of my days trying to ascertain what a companion animal's needs are, and I've no choice but to be open and paying close attention to their behavior — beyond what I assume that they need.

Seriously, how can one ignore the finesse that dogs have when expressing their needs, if they are unhappy, when they want something, or when they have a disagreement with another canine.

They "say" it, get it over with and move on.

Cats are equally expressive and present and reliant on listening (as opposed to hearing) when it comes to connecting, and so are exotic birds.

So what can we learn from the animals that we share our lives with? Can they be a conduit to helping us get along better with other humans? Can they be our teachers?

Of course.

In her blog, Phillips details just a few ways that pets are the "emotional Third," of sorts in relationships:

They remind us of the joy of giving into the moment: Spontaneity, laughter, being able to gain and share joy obtained from simple things.

Pets remind us to slow down and be present: We are far too caught up in the busyness of life. Work and other obligations, being tethered to our smartphones; all of us can relate to how that detracts from focusing on our partner.

Companion animals give us rose-colored glasses when it comes to our loved ones: It's true, isn't it? Regardless of the things that we humans find not-so-good about each other, pets consistently see the best in each of us. The mantra "I want to be the kind of person that my dog thinks that I am" comes to mind.

Seeing the interaction between a partner and a pet is a great reminder of why you love them: This point is primarily profound. When Chris and I first met, he wasn't terribly fond of cats, mostly due to his not being around them much growing up. His willingness to establish a relationship with my cat Silver, and to create a comfortable environment for him when we blended our households, was amazing.

They now have a unique bond that is very unlike the one that Silver and I have. In some ways, it's stronger, but that's not unsettling — in fact, it's pretty neat because I get to see a different part of them emerge.

Pets have a lot to teach and can act as a conduit to curating better relationships. What is your experience with your companion animals helping to foster a closer, more healthy bond with other humans in your life?


Lorrie Shaw is lead pets blogger for AnnArbor.com and owner of Professional Pet Sitting. Follow her pet adventures on her photo blog.

Comments

www.yourolddog.com

Fri, Jul 8, 2011 : 7:01 a.m.

Very nice article and I couldn't agree more that our pets can strengthen the bond we have with friends, neighbors and loved ones. We can learn alot from our canine friends if we just follow suit and "not sweat the small stuff".

memyselfandi

Wed, Jul 6, 2011 : 9:27 p.m.

I will never cease to be amazed at the "emotional sensitivity" and seeming understanding possessed by cats and dogs. Approx. 12 years ago I had a 16 year old Seal Point Siamese Cat who was suddenly and unexpectedly ill and at the end of her life. She had Congestive Heart Failure and I am not a supporter of putting animals to sleep (unless they have been mangled and injured in an accident). I cared for her just at I would have cared for a beloved family member. She was very weak and I took care of her around the clock until she passed away. This involved sleeping at her side in case medication was needed and also to take her to the litter box every hour and a half.....so she could go potty while I held her upright....since she could no longer stand. The last night that she was alive, I was sleeping on a bunk mattress beside her and she was on a pile of pillows and blankets that I had arranged to hold her in an upright position while she slept....because of the breathing difficulty due to the Congestive Heart Failure. I laid there beside her and stroked her soft fur....and I knew that this would probably be the last night that I would have her in my life....this broke my heart...so I sobbed and sobbed. Finally, I decided that I just had to get it together and stop crying so I could get enought sleep to care for her through the night....so I pulled back slightly (I was still on my side looking at her ) to my mattress and dabbed the tears from my eyes and took a few deep breaths to try to calm down. At that point...."Puddin" reached over to me and began to gently stroke my face with her tiny paw............She passed away the next afternoon. She will never be forgotton!

Sarah Rigg

Wed, Jul 6, 2011 : 1:12 p.m.

A friend and I exchange cat-sitting favors, and I think that this has not only bonded each of us to the other's pets but also strengthened our frienship bond to one another. A true friend shovels out your driveway in the middle of a blizzard to get into your house and feed your cat while you're out of town, and that kind of friendship isn't something to take lightly!

Deb Kern

Tue, Jul 5, 2011 : 5:59 p.m.

We often hear from volunteers that foster homeless pets at the Humane Society of Huron Valley about the experience they have with the cats and dogs in their homes. Many of these households are able to give weeks or a few months to help animals that might need extra time to heal, grow or who may need a break from the shelter environment. What sometimes starts as a family thinking they're helping a pet turns into a story of how that pet ended up helping that family in some amazing way. Pets really do have a lot to teach us about compassion, patience and love - the world can certainly use that!

Lorrie Shaw

Tue, Jul 5, 2011 : 10:47 p.m.

Wow... so profound, Deb! LOVE that! *goosebumps* :)