An open letter from Cookie Monster
This is not a letter Cookie Monster was looking forward to write. Me apologize in advance if me gets emotional at times. It is with greater regret than missing out on the first batch of holiday cookies that Cookie Monster must announce retirement from public arena.
Me find current working conditions unacceptable, and me not want to be neutered and watered down like bland shortbread cookie
A couple of years ago, corporate masters tried to adjust Cookie Monster’s diet. Try to make Cookie Monster be Fruit and Veggie Monster. As if so many obese children was Cookie Monster’s fault.
Not Cookie Monster’s fault if parents allow children to eat bag of Oreo’s to make up for fact they fail to spend time with little ones. Not Cookie Monster’s fault that many parents think fast food good meal for dinner. Cookie Monster not Soda Pop Monster! At least cookies so devastatingly delicious that no one will say cookie not worth the calories.
Cookie always worth calories. Hmm thinking about cookies. One moment please. Ahhhhhh num num num, oh yeah, oh yeah, num num num (crumbs flying everywhere). Sorry, Cookie Monster sometimes not able to exhibit proper self-restraint.
To get back to point, things change for Cookie Monster over last year. Moved to second class status while annoying anorexic Elmo continues to be frontline character. Even bad things happen to Cookie Monster off camera. Me always have jar of Nutter Butters at desk for when Cookie Monster need quick cookie fix, but not want to break creative flow. Several months ago, me find Nutter Butters replaced with celery stalks. Me not want to be Veggie Monster on screen, me certainly not want to snack on flavorless vegetable! Me wouldn’t have been so mad if cookies replaced by pretzels or even apples. But celery! Final insult for Cookie Monster.
Cookie Monster tired of getting accusatory looks from co-workers. Cookie Monster tired of being forced to peddle kale. Cookie Monster tired of accounts payable staff always leaving breakroom fridge open, making Cookie Monster’s milk go bad. Cookie Monster tired of being in skits where Grover lectures Cookie Monster on moderation. Grover not interested in moderation when on PR trip to Vegas, as Cookie Monster can attest. You hear that Grover, me have video taken from iPhone!
So, goodbye to all from Cookie Monster. This old monster will fade away. Me not care about publicity anymore. Me not care that Cookie Monster lose health insurance and matching 401(k). Me not care about educating children while counting cookies.
Cupcakes trendy now, modern society have no place for cookie anymore. Do not worry about Cookie Monster, me make enough in royalties to retire with comfort. And me will be at Laugh Shack in Madison, WI on March 8th! So, I, Cookie Monster, bid the public adieu. Enjoy not being entertained by Cookie Monster’s exuberant overeating of cookies.
Last piece of advice, please eat and enjoy many cookies in Epic Portions.
John Moors is single-handedly raising national obesity levels and documenting it on his blog at EpicPortions.com, while Jeremy Rosenberg acts as senior food correspondent.