How do you handle a child’s disruptive behavior in church? A view from the back pew
Angela Verges | Contributor
Photo taken at the front of the sancturary at Second Baptist Church Ypsilanti
Angela Verges | Contributor
Crying babies have nothing on my active son. We enter the sanctuary and walk toward our normal seats on the back pew, close to the exit. I come equipped with paper, pencils and crayons. Some days this is not enough.
When the deacons begin the devotional period, a time for prayer and chanting, my son wants to ask questions. These are not questions that lead to an understanding of what is taking place. The questions are, “What time are we leaving? Can we go in 10 minutes? Are we going anywhere after church? Can we go to the store?”
What happens in the back pew should be rated PG for prayer guidance suggested. Typically people pray with their eyes closed. Not me. I have one eye open and shifted to my right. What I spotted was my son kneeling, not to pray, but to play. Clay in one hand and a plastic implement in the other, he shaped the blue mound into a car with a person inside. One thing for sure, my son is good at expressing his right brain creative side.
I don’t have a problem with quiet creativity, it’s the talking and having things spread out in disarray that distract me from hearing the sermon. There are paper scraps on the pew and Bibles spread out. Perhaps my son will gain understanding through osmosis.
After an hour of twisting, turning and going to the restroom, my son drifts off to sleep. His head is on his brother’s shoulder and his mouth is open. No sound is coming out, so I leave him in peace.
My shoulders drop in a relaxed mode and my heart rate has returned to a non-aerobic state. Finally I can enjoy the remainder of the service. Not a chance. As I tune in, I hear the pastor say, “The doors of the church are open.” This is the closing statement inviting people to join church. Another Sunday and I only heard part of the sermon.
I remind myself that my son has ADHD and things that work for the “average” child do not work with him. In ADDitude magazine (Spring 2010) I read that raising a child with ADHD should be viewed as a marathon rather than a sprint. I laced my proverbial sneakers and got into the ready, set position at the starting line.
The article provided tips on parenting a child with ADHD. It said that when a negative situation arises, redirect your child’s behavior. It said that changing your child’s behavior is better than asking him to stop. Instead of telling him to stop, I have him draw a picture for me or create a Bible word search. For more tips on parenting a child with ADHD, visit additudemag.com/adhd-parenting-tips.html.
The next time we are in church I will practice remaining calm before I react to what my son is doing or isn’t doing. Perhaps if I recite the words from "The Little Engine That Could:" ”I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.” I will make it through a complete sermon AND know what it was about. Keeping the faith is the main ingredient to maintaining my sanity.
Angela Verges is a writer and mother of two. She can be reached at awritersdream41@yahoo.com.
Comments
Mousedeva
Mon, May 17, 2010 : 10:05 a.m.
this redirection works with your pet's bad behavior too!
MichGirl
Sun, May 16, 2010 : 10:14 a.m.
I had to smile as I read your story! Our family attends church together, or at least we try to. I am the grandmother and my children, their spouses, and 3 kiddos (age 4, 2, 1)enjoy this opportunity to see each other. Nonetheless, we have squirmers, too. Church doesn't always line up with their need for food or sleep either. We, too, are a little embarrassed by the distraction we sometimes cause those around us, but appreciate their patient smiles. So far no one has asked us to leave! As much as I'd love to enjoy the whole Mass in a quiet, thoughtful way, I have a choice of going by myself, or enjoying these times together. I've appreciated my son-in-law reading so quietly in the ear of a restless child that even I can't hear his voice. I often am reminded of the verse "Bring the children to me". Sounds to me like things are going quite normally. I have settled for enjoying the opportunity to worship with family, even if it means only being able to tune it to some of the Mass! I wouldn't have it any other way. Good Luck!
krc
Sun, May 16, 2010 : 8:53 a.m.
I agree with Heidi, that practice makes perfect. At home, start having a quiet time for your son every day. Start off slowly, maybe ten minutes (or even five) where he is required to sit in a chair, not squirming or talking, without toys, perhaps with a favorite book. Be sure you sit quietly too, setting the example. Reward him after. Gradually lengthen the quiet time so that in the end it is as long as the church service. Teach him to whisper, and to listen for the closing Amen. Remeber that consistency is important. Is there a father in the picture? Or another adult he is close with? If he continues to be so distracting, maybe you could leave him with a sitter so that you can go to church and get your spiritual feeding (this would be on a separate day from when you take your boy)? I don't know if this is even feasible for your ADHD son. None of my kids had it. I just wanted to put my two cents in. I hope it has given you some ideas. Keep on truckin', mama.
Heidi Hess Saxton
Wed, Mar 31, 2010 : 7:26 p.m.
I hear you, Angie. Been there myself -- at our Catholic church. Especially when we first got the kids, I felt like a failure as a parent because my kids were such a distraction. But as time went on, people would comment to me how much things had improved. One of the things we did was move out of the "cry room" and put the kids front and center, where the action is. The other thing I learned is to go over the readings ahead of time, so the kids know what they're going to hear. (Repetition is key with children.) Our church offers "children's liturgy," with activities appropriate to their age of development. You might consider finding a church that offers Sunday school while the adults are in church. Just a thought. You are a TERRIFIC Mom! Heidi