Dear Kerry, My 4-year-old’s school is having a food drive for Thanksgiving. I was taking it for granted as a usual part of the holiday season, so I was startled when my son asked me why anyone needed food. How can I explain to him that some people don’t have enough? I don’t know where to start and I worry that he is too young to understand. JC, Ann Arbor

Dear JC,

These are hard things to explain at any age; we all struggle with tough questions about the difficulties of life and society. Current economic conditions have brought this closer to home for all of us. Having to explain them to our children is a challenge that gives us a chance to think about these issues and what we feel for ourselves. This is also an opportunity to teach your son more about a number of things that will help him as he takes his place in the wider world. How adults provide for children is a very good example of cause and effect, a basic principle that children have to master in many contexts. Here, for instance, you can explain about why grownups work.

"Moms and Dads go to work to earn money, so that we can pay for the electricity that gives us light, and buy food at the market so we can have your favorite nachos, and have a place to live, and clothes and shoes.”

It is important for children to know that the things they need don’t just appear - their parents provide them with money they work hard to earn. Children go to school to learn things they will use for working later. This gives them an idea of how they can be effective when they grow up, a good ideal to strive for.

But sometimes, no matter how much a parent may want to work, jobs are lost, or may be hard to find. That is when other people step in to help, because they know how important it is for families to have what they need. “So we are bringing food, because we have some extra right now, to make sure that other families have a nice Thanksgiving, and other suppers too.”

Parents often worry that telling their children about others’ misfortunes will make them anxious, afraid that such things might happen to them too. Thoughtful children do make the connection and often think that a story they hear about someone else will apply to them as well. I don’t think the solution is to avoid teaching them about reality. Rather I suggest that we find ways to tell them about the world while reassuring them about our love and care.

If your son expresses his worry or shows it in other, more oblique ways, like by not wanting to take the cans into school, or asking for more extra helpings than usual, you can remind him of what he can see for himself. “When people in our town need something, everyone helps. If we ever needed food, there would be friends and neighbors who would make sure we had enough, just like we are doing for the families who will have the food we are bringing to school. We will make sure that you always have what you need.”

Another lesson that can grow from talking about such matters is about making choices. This is a chance to foster the growth of emotional muscle around the idea that choosing means getting something, and also giving something up. When do we think it’s worth having something right now and when is it worth giving up the immediate pleasure for the sake of something later? These are the ideas behind learning the practical realities of how money works, how we save up for something desired, how we tolerate waiting.

The preschool years are not too early to begin learning about these things. You can use bills and coins (coins work well because there are lots of them) to show your child how much it costs to have supper at a restaurant and how much it would cost to eat at home. Count out the difference. Maybe even put those coins in a glass jar and suggest that “every time we eat at home instead of going out we can save up that many dimes. When we have a whole lot of them we will be able to buy that basketball hoop we have been talking about.”

This doesn’t have to be only about buying things. When my grandmother heard that someone was going to have a baby, she would begin to knit a blanket. Sometimes it took months for those blankets to be finished. She talked about her pleasure in thinking about that baby who was coming, as the blanket took shape, and how her work would keep that baby cozy.

Your long-term projects can be something to share with your child. If you can give her a chance for some input, she will be even more involved - my grandmother would let me decide what color ribbon should trim the edges and she taught me that babies love the feel of satin ribbons!

Maybe what we are talking about here too is the big idea of how we teach our children to put themselves momentarily in the place of others, to imagine what it is like to walk in others’ shoes. Thanksgiving is a good time to reinforce these lessons.

We can reassure our children and grandchildren that, even if people are having hard times, they will be warmed and comforted by our concern, and we too will be part of the fabric of a community that cares, where even preschoolers can help others by bringing food to school.

Kerry Kelly Novick is a local psychoanalyst and a family consultant at Allen Creek Preschool. You can reach her through AllenCreek.org, or you can email her your comments and questions for future columns.