Marriage dilemma: Wife resents husband's sports league commitments
Creative Commons photo credit ShutterBugChef
But now that you are married with small children and limited family time, this activity may feel like a luxury that's beyond the family budget and one that causes ongoing resentment every time he grabs his mitt and heads out the door.
For husbands, playing on a team with your friends can be one of the highlights of the week. A place where you can go to have some fun, be physical, and have some male bonding while playing a game with clear, simple rules that isn't about feelings or complex social guidelines or having to change diapers or deal with bills or the latest broken thing in the house.
Unfortunately the cost of this indulgence falls on your wife's plate and can understandably cause feelings of resentment. Especially when you're out 2-3 times a week (nights and weekend days), enjoying yourself, maybe even having a few beers while she's at home with the kids wanting a break herself. On top of that, she may be feeling hurt that your priorities haven't shifted to put your family ahead of yourself.
The trouble with this conflict is that, like the game of baseball itself, partners often go at it as if their mates are on the opposing team. Which means that for one side to win, the other has to lose. And while that might work in softball, it isn't a good strategy for a strong, long-lasting marriage.
So what to do? Each couple has to figure this out for themselves, but consider these aspects that are likely getting in the way.
Husbands How you take the lead on this is possibly the most crucial part of the process. It starts to go wrong the minute you don't appreciate that you are taking from the family pot when you decide that you are going to join a sports team. Dismissing this fact, and acting like your life hasn't changed and you don't have a family that needs you too is the first challenge. If you want to play ball AND have a good marriage to come home to, dismissing this fact will not get you there. So the first step is to acknowledge the reality of the situation. "I want to play ball, and I know that this gets in the way of family commitments."
Wives If your husband doesn't see the ramifications of his desire to play a team sport (denial is a wonderful thing), you still have a choice on how you ask him to notice — nicely or naggingly. Often wives minimize their husbands' needs and act as if their men should just get in line and not have any needs. (Sex comes to mind here too!) So if he has already been caught in the trap of giving something up, only to find that this is barely acknowledged, you can see why he may be hard-pressed to just keep going down this path. Especially if what waits for him at the end is the complete disappearance of himself.
So what's my call? Here it is:
Husbands If at all possible, give something up. Show your wife and family that they matter by limiting your time away. Consider joining a league with a lighter schedule, less practice or better hours. Sacrifice in other areas and don't just be a taker. How about coming home after the game or not joining a league for every sports season — softball, football, basketball, golf, etc. Also be the kind of husband who your wife WANTS to sacrifice for. Before you head out to the game, help out. And step up when you get back. Support your wife in getting some time away, too. Though suggesting that she is also free to go out for some fun isn't always a genuine option, especially if you've already taken so much of the family time.
In fact, while you are asking your wife to be generous, you might also consider a grand gesture of not playing for a few seasons until your kids are older and not so physically demanding. Especially if your wife is truly feeling overwhelmed at home and really isn't able to give any more. Don't just say, "Too bad — I'm doing this, so deal with it." You may get to play the season, but it will definitely cost your marriage in the long run.
Hopefully it doesn’t have to be that drastic. But showing your partner that she has a partner who actually cares can be a brilliant idea. Of course that goes for wives, too.
Wives If you genuinely feel overwhelmed by the stresses of your home life without more help, then let him know that. It can be a very tiring few years when your kids are small and needy in so many ways. But if at all possible, support your husband in finding a way to play — even doing so with a generous heart because that is the true foundation to a good marriage.
Does he work hard? Is he a decent husband and dad? Does he help around the house? Consider this: if it's important to him, it should be important to you. He's getting exercise and it's FUN. (Remember that word?) Don't belittle his enjoyment and don't minimize what you are asking him to give up. Can you be creative in getting support with the kids? Extended family, a sitter or mother's helper? How about taking the kids to a few games to cheer daddy on?
The very complex secret to a good relationship is this: give your best not your worst, give the most not the least. It does take a certain amount of selflessness in order to have something bigger than yourself. But if you are EACH willing to offer something to the other you can find a solution. Make your moments with your family count! And most importantly, be supportive of each other and appreciate that support.
Here's to a great season!
•••
Annie Zirkel is a Relationship Consultant based in Ann Arbor who, spontaneously, joined a softball team this summer and is loving it! I see the attraction. You show up, you bring a mitt. You try to hit something and you try to catch something. Yes husbands - I can relate. (Though my kids are now teenagers.) Contact Annie at annie@practicehow.comCreative Commons photo credit ShutterBugChef
Comments
Macabre Sunset
Thu, Jul 8, 2010 : 3:07 p.m.
Annie, talking about unaddressed resentment that builds over a long period of time isn't really related to this topic. Yes, there are many passive-aggressive people who will say "everything is wonderful" as a reflex, but track each softball game using a mental scorecard. Then, blamm-o, one day the score reaches a certain point and they're screwing a neighbor or playing mental footsies with a stranger on facebook. But this has nothing to do with grand gestures. The dilemma isn't the guy playing softball. The dilemma is the perception that he isn't invested enough in his family. A couple that communicates effectively can easily work out what's important without one party unilaterally gesturing wildly. That type of gallantry will only build resentment. I really object to the use of the word "gesture" here. It implies a unilateral action. I also object to any characterization that a softball game will "definitely" lead to the end of a marriage. Marriages can take many forms, but the only way they end is if one party decides he or she no longer wants to be married. And when children are involved, that should only happen in the event of infidelity or threat of harm.
Annie Zirkel
Thu, Jul 8, 2010 : 8:14 a.m.
Thanks to everyone for all of your comments and your interest in this topic. Of course what you take away from the discussion is up to you but I appreciate your interest. And for those of you who added ideas or different perspectives - thanks. Here are some comments to address some of the specifics brought up: @Macabre Sunset - Thanks for your thoughts. I do disagree with your critique but I can say that - Yes if a relationship is extremely fragile it will not survive this conflict. The point of this article is to help couples choose a direction that helps them get both their personal and their family's needs. I specifically call partners to look at their own input into conflicts, and their own rationales for justifying their actions so that these things aren't left unsaid or unchallenged. The resentment that can build up over the course of a relationship has the power to cut the ties that bind one thread at a time. And it will 'definitely cost the marriage' in the long run. Doing your own thing, being responsible for your own happiness is important but if thats all you have - you cant really have a great relationship. Being responsible for your own happiness AND the happiness of your partner is the keystone to a great marriage - and I believe that that can and should include 'grand gestures' - both offered genuinely and if possible declined for the same reason. @Forever27 - First of all to clarify - this article isnt about the author. It is about a real dilemma that many couples face when it comes to negotiating the interest and time resources of a family. I have witnessed - both professionally and personally - the tension that this kind of time commitment can cause in a relationship. And yes - to address your point - it is usually a symptom of bigger challenges. Of course saying that in a kinder way - and not as a personal dig - would definitely be appreciated. @Ignatz - I agree - discussion to prevent this kind of tension is a great strategy. Of course there will always be things we have to figure out as they come along too. Appreciating that that is crucial - and having a good plan for how we treat each other at these times is the key to success or failure. @Topcat and @Treetowncartel - thank you both for adding a valuable perspective. I so appreciate your wisdom and can't help thinking that your children are lucky to have you. @CEC0128 - Wonderful points. And yes - optimism is a much better choice. The challenge is when past interactions haven't gone well. It becomes easier to assume the worst not the best. Then you can begin giving worse and not better to the interaction. @Pompous - not really sure whether you are being sarcastic or angry. Finding a balance between our needs and the needs of others is probably the hardest thing to achieve. Doesn't have to be a putdown though. @Machine - Thanks for your comment that this situation could be played out a hundred different ways. Can it be a wife that is taking too much time? Can both partners be out with their own interests for many hours in a week? Obviously yes. But that doesn't mean that this scenario doesn't happen. And because of the real limits of time when one partner wants to invest in something with the kind of time commitment I discussed - something has to give. Often, as I suggested, it is the wife for the sake of family time. And often it builds resentment in the process. @treetowntenor - yes - in order to address something specific it is best done one-on-one as opposed to an article. Getting insight into the possible challenges though can give couples food for thought on how they handle this or other challenges. @Val Losse and @townie54 thanks for adding to a broader discussion and for your ideas.
townie54
Wed, Jul 7, 2010 : 11:55 p.m.
well when I played a lot of men brought their kids to the game and some brought their wives and they all had a night out.You should know these things about each other BEFORE you get married.After is not the time to learn about each other.Why can't Dad take the kids and let the mom go do things on her own other nights he doesnt play.It shouldnt be an all or nothing thing
Val Losse
Wed, Jul 7, 2010 : 4:52 p.m.
When children come along everything changes. Nothing is the same ever again. It is important to give your partner time off, this means serious time off. A schedule would help but it has to have the ability to compremise if something comes up. If the husband plays so should the wife and without the children. I do suggest that the one working should have about 10 minutes after they walk into the house to have to unwind for a long drive and work day. But they must be ready to take over for a while. The person who is at home with the children also needs a break. Besides like others have written the children are there for a short time, too short of a time.
treetowntenor
Wed, Jul 7, 2010 : 12:54 p.m.
I agree with Machine on this. Both parents need to have time they can call their own, and both parents need to step in to make sure the other one gets it. Neither one will get as much as they did before kids, so the expectations need to be realistic, but balance is important. Living a balanced life is not selfish. It's hard to tell from this short article what the real problem is. Maybe the husband is taking too much time for himself without regard for his wife. Maybe the wife is not trying to take any time for herself. Maybe she doesn't understand his need for "cave time". Maybe he doesn't understand her need for relationship, and a chance to unwind herself. That's the problem with short articles -- no space to explain the whole picture. It makes the advice seem superficial at best, whether it really is or not.
CEC0128
Wed, Jul 7, 2010 : 9:31 a.m.
Thanks Annie - I liked this article. Husbands and wives ARE on the same team. We should root for each other and find ways to support what makes us individually happy as well as benefitting the entire family. I agree the way we approach conflicts is halfway to the solution. We coud be starting the discussion off feeling defensive and unappreciated, or we could be starting off with optimism and feeling secure in the each other's best intentions.
Machine
Tue, Jul 6, 2010 : 3:39 p.m.
This whole article seems to be predicated on the faulty assumption that women don't have any social activities outside the home that don't involve family. This lopsided argument does a disservice to both genders. Frequently, the wife and husband BOTH have activites that they enjoy doing. Generally, there is some negotiation and compromise so that the husband gets his boys' night out and the wife gets her girls' night out.
treetowncartel
Tue, Jul 6, 2010 : 2:44 p.m.
I agree with you Top Cat, my kids came along a few years ago. Prior to them, golf was my drug, played a few times a week, now I play a few times a year. I'd much rather spend time with my kids. Some of my old playing partners don't understand this.
Top Cat
Tue, Jul 6, 2010 : 2:07 p.m.
Hubby should be playing ball with his kids 2-3 times per week. Children grow up way too fast. Once they are gone, he can resume hangin' out with the boys. I would give anything to be playing ball in my front pasture with my kids again.
Ignatz
Tue, Jul 6, 2010 : 1:12 p.m.
Here's a hint for both people who are getting ready for marraige. Chances are, what he/she does prior to the union will continue after it. It's best to discuss things and come to an agreement prior to making such a legal commitment.
Forever27
Tue, Jul 6, 2010 : 12:32 p.m.
It sounds like the author of this article has more problems with her marriage than a little softball league.
Macabre Sunset
Tue, Jul 6, 2010 : 12:11 p.m.
I find the way "your call" is presented in the HUSBANDS sections rather naive and potentially damaging. If your marriage is a delicate little flower that hinges entirely on you making your partner happy at any moment, it can't survive. We are responsible for our own happiness. It's not us versus them. If playing sports a couple of times a week helps keep us happy, it shouldn't be used as a bargaining chip to settle a threat concerning the entire marriage. Maybe you're too focused on marriages already in failure. Without the "grand gesture" sentence and the "definitely cost your marriage" comment, this might be more useful.