One glove wonder? Teaching a child to take care of his things
I must be the worst mom in the world tonight, or at least one that needs to re-examine disciplining her child and her own very bad reaction to a trivial problem. I actually yelled, very loudly and in a not-so-nice way, at my son for losing a glove. A glove!
How many single gloves need to be lost before a child, and a parent learn a lesson?
Tammy Mayrend | Contributor
I should say though, that after my son’s break-down just last week over losing one of his new Iron Man gloves, I thought he’d have learned a lesson. This entire school year I have been drilling home that his gloves and hat need to go into, and stay, in his backpack when they aren’t on his hands. So why this should even have been an issue. He’s old enough to know better. His crying and carrying on last week over this glove was terrible! I thought of telling him not to worry, since a single Iron Man glove would be of little interest to anyone. However, since the lost and found box has yet to belch out the aforementioned single missing glove, I now have to wonder if there was another little boy missing HIS Iron Man glove… But I digress.
This post is about discipline, both mine and his. It’s also about teaching a child how to care for their own things and about handling the repercussions when they don’t.
I have been asking my son to keep everything in his backpack since the start of school. I have also told him that HE is responsible for his own backpack and lunch bag. However I may have set a bad example when the dog ate through both the backpack and the lunch bag when my son left his bag out where the dog could get at it.
What did I do? Went right out and bought him a new backpack and lunch bag. I suppose I didn’t think about what message this would send my son, after all he needed both, as the backpack and the lunch bag were beyond repair. But what does that say to a child? Don’t worry mom will just buy more, right? How would it have better been handled? He did pretty well too until the missing, well-loved glove incident of last week. Mostly though this is due to my constant reminder for him to be aware of his things.
Today my son was emptying his backpack and yet again said the dreaded words, “Mom I lost a glove.” What makes this even worse is that it is actually 3 missing gloves since his (also new) Batman gloves were double-layered gloves that included two black full gloves with two fingerless gloves on top. I was going to suggest that from now on he would have to wear one Iron Man glove and the now single Batman glove, the problem is the remaining Batman glove is the fingerless one!
I told him that tomorrow he and his father would have to go out and buy two new pairs of gloves, with HIS money. I just can not discuss the gloves again. I still think I missed the mark though. My biggest concerns as a parent though are ‘why should missing one glove cause such an eruption of my emotions’ and more importantly, since it did, what will happen when my son truly does something “bad” and I get mad? I also need to consider him coming to me with his real issues; if I react so poorly won’t he choose to not come to me as a parent?
So here I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, and knowing fully well that I handled the entire situation very poorly. I know I am not alone as there are at least 20 single gloves in the lost and found that would likely produce likewise unhappy parents, I just need to re-examine my own behavior over the missing glove incident tonight as well as how to handle my son’s need for new gloves.
If you have any thoughts or suggestions, I am currently reflecting upon some of the following questions:
- How do you teach your children to respect personal property? - How do you teach a child the value of ‘things”? - At what “age” should children be expected to be responsible for belongings? - How do you discipline a child when something “necessary” is lost or damaged?
Tammy Mayrend is a Search Marketing professional who blogs on local activities for families at annarbormom.com.
Comments
Jona
Thu, Aug 23, 2012 : 2:33 a.m.
I have a similar problem with my 7 yr old son. I lost my temper,when he lost his pencil.....for the nth time. It's frustrating. My post is here. I know it's been 2 years since your post. How are things going on with you and your son now? Hope everything's better. How did you do it? Thanks!
Jona
Thu, Aug 23, 2012 : 2:35 a.m.
http://jonathinks.blogspot.com/2012/08/lost-my-temper-for-lost-pencil.html- my post.
Ann Arbor mom
Sat, Jan 23, 2010 : 12:16 p.m.
I've tried a couple things re: the lost/misplaced coat, boots, backpack, etc for my kindergartener. She has a large basket where the backpack and its contents go, a hook for her coat, etc. Our solution to the mitten issue: clips that attach the mitten to the coat. $3 at Snow/Ski in Westgate. My grandmother, may she rest in peace, used to crochet a long, thin string that attached to the mittens and went through one sleeve, across your back, and down the other sleeve. I hope to instill good values and habits in my child - gratitude for the bounty in our lives and keeping that bounty organized!
Tammy Mayrend
Sat, Jan 23, 2010 : 9:47 a.m.
@Scott - Thank you. I absolutely believe that unless you've been a parent before, parenting is about making mistakes and learning from them! @Spencer - You absolutely hit the nail on the head, I am fairly certain there is an underlying unresolved issue that was truly the problem for the blow-up. My son is in kindergarten, so in some ways it's a challenge to know the "when to expect" from him. I certainly think he's old enough to begin the learning process but I can not expect him to get everything. As parenting can be a challenging balance, and it is for me at times, I do try general exercise, yoga and some meditation. I certainly can see the benefit of them when time permits. As many parents do though, it can be a challenge in itself to find the time to do those things! Thanks for both of your comments, it's always important to know someone is listening - Sometimes the writing is the needed therapy!
Scott Beal
Sat, Jan 23, 2010 : 12:51 a.m.
Hi Tammy. What I appreciate most about your blog is your openness and your willingness to confront mistakes and tough questions. Thank you for that. I often experience the parenting process as: blow it then correct course, blow it again then correct course, etc.
Spencer Thomas
Fri, Jan 22, 2010 : 10:41 p.m.
I don't know how old your son is, but I'm surmising elementary school (because of Iron Man and Batman gloves). When our son reached middle school, we looked for a smaller alternative to Tappan, and found a small charter (40 kids in 6-7-8). During 6th grade, it seemed that every evening, when we picked him up, we had to trek over the whole school picking up his stuff (coat here, gloves there, backpack somewhere else). I hate to think what would have happened at Tappan! By the time he got to high school (Pioneer), he was no longer losing stuff (much). I think it was really about maturity, more than any "lessons" we may have taught him. He's now in college, and still loses things -- he told us during break how he recently found a pair of shoes, which he had given up for lost, in a friend's room! (He is going to school in Arizona, so it is feasible that he would have left his shoes behind.) When he called us after less than a week at college to tell us that he thought his backpack, with his computer and sandals in it, had been stolen, I wanted to hit the roof! We hadn't even finished paying for the computer. He wasn't much bothered -- someone gave him some shoes, he had gotten some sort of replacement for the backpack, and he figured he'd pick up a cheap computer somewhere. Somehow, I managed to remain somewhat calm, and we suggested that he check with the dorm front desk and with the campus police. Luckily, a helpful person had turned it in to the desk, and he needed to go pick it up at the security office. It took him a few days to do even that. His attachment to "things" is much looser than mine, apparently. As to blowing up over the lost glove -- it happened, and it happens. Resolve to try not to do it next time, and then let go of it. For myself, I have found that when I did that, I was often carrying some anger unrelated to the actual incident. The incident itself acted as a trigger to release my pent-up feelings, which then emerged totally out of proportion to the triggering event. This might be what is happening with you, in which case you might want to look into yoga, meditation, or some other contemplative, relaxing practice. I, too, have struggled with the balance between buying new gloves and frostbitten fingers (at least, metaphorically). When it's really about potential harm, I will buy the new gloves. But I might have duct-taped the chewed backpack (in fact, I remember at least one of my kids carrying a duct-taped backpack for part of a school year). It's good to provide tools such as "always put your gloves and hat into your backpack". But we can't always expect our kids to adopt those tools immediately and completely. We can look for small increments of progress, and encourage them when they come. But, kids are people, and people are not perfect. (Nor are we -- sometimes we overreact despite our best intentions.) When we can remember that, our life and that of those around us is easier. "Please, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."