Stay out of (my kids') business! There's no rush to toilet train your toddler
I do miss that little chubby bum in diapers crawling around...(sigh)
photo by Eva Johnson
A good friend of mine recently visited with her adorable 2-year-old kiddo. As we were driving around, I commented that toilet training must be something that she is starting to think about. She mentioned that her son had no interest, and she wasn't going to push the issue at this point.
However, she also mentioned that a friend of hers is constantly nagging and pushing her to start working on it.
Before I throw my opinion out there, a little background on my toilet training experience: I have two active and very intelligent boys who never ever cared to make the "I'm a big boy now" transition. None of my praise, encouragement, sticker charts, candy, (or bigger candy when I got desperate), pleading, yelling, etc, made a lick of difference.
Both boys (after I pulled my hair out for a year and a half) finally potty trained and stopped having regular accidents at 4 and a half. I tried everything and, in the end, it really was them who decided. Now both are done, and I will not ever have to send a child to kindergarten in diapers.
So, why the drama with moms over this issue? As a stay-at-home mom, I found that the other moms of preschoolers seemed to like to hold their potty training skills up like their kids are in the Olympic trials. Here's what I would hear:
"Oh, how fast was Brady?.... Well, my Maddie trained at 17 months! ....We just took away the diapers at two, and three days later she was done... "
Yes, I faced many moms who beamed with pride at their amazing fast speeding toileters, moms who now were carefree and could carry the small purses to playdates. It made me feel like a loser.
So, now I can carry a small bag (though now I carry a huge bag with dumbbells everywhere), and I look back and get a bit irritated about how little it all mattered. Even though it was driving me crazy back then and it felt like it took forever, I kind of miss that diaper bum and chubby legs crawling across my dog-hair laden carpet.
I know I am not done with the disapproving mom and her opinions, but I hope that I can always look back and know that even if my kids don't win the big brag, they will always be my cute little babies. I love them, just as they are!
Stay out of their business, poopy or otherwise!
Eva Johnson is an ACE (American Council on Exercise) certified personal trainer who can't believe how the time passes. She lives in chaos with her husband and two boys. To see her complete blog about how to stay sane and in shape in the real world, visit www.fitnessbyeva.com.
Comments
Woman in Ypsilanti
Mon, Jun 6, 2011 : 4:24 a.m.
Unless you are changing the diaper or wearing the diaper, it just isn't any of your business.
Antonia Maurici
Sat, Jun 4, 2011 : 10:39 p.m.
I don't think potty training should be a yardstick to which a mother's self worth should be measured, but I don't think waiting until a child is ready is right either. The main issue is a child learning how to control her bowels, not stopping the use of a diaper. Should a parent not let a toddler feed herself just because she isn't that coordinated? No! A child develops coordination through practice and the muscles become stronger with use.
aamom
Sun, Jun 5, 2011 : 1:29 a.m.
Is that the movement that never uses diapers? I think it's called infant potty training or something like that. Saw something on it on one of the morning news shows. Sounds like what you speak of. To each his own : )
casmom
Sat, Jun 4, 2011 : 8:57 p.m.
Oh I forgot one thing....if your 4/5 year old child is still pooping in his underwear on a daily basis, it is not because he/she is "gifted" It is most likely because they want your attention. If you leave a child in daycare for 50-60 hours a week since birth expect attention seeking behavior. ( Yes I really have heard the "gifted" pants pooper excuse)
aamom
Sat, Jun 4, 2011 : 7:33 p.m.
What I don't like are people who claim their children are potty trained and then are constantly changing their clothes because they had accidents. My kids trained at 3 when they said they wanted underwear. We never had an accident. Ever. So does this mean the mom who took away the diapers at 2 and is still running around with extra clothes in her bag at 3 and a half still has the kid who potty trained first? I don't think so but...... it's not a race. If she's happy running around with a change of clothes - great. If I'm happy not changing accidents - great. There's nothing admirable or attractive about competitive parenting or nannying.
casmom
Sat, Jun 4, 2011 : 7:14 p.m.
The problem is that toddlers -thanks to the invention of pull ups have no reason or incentive to use the toilet. A pull up is really only a fancy, expensive diaper that slows the progress of most potty training child to a crawl. A pull up doesn't allow a child to feel any dicomfort if they have an "accedent" It acts just as a diaper does. I have worked with potty training children for many years and hear is what I know to be true. Potty training is not a year long event! It takes a long weekend at best. Put your potty trainer in a pair of underwear and let them feel the dicomfort of pee soaked jeans and socks. It won't take them long to decide that peeing in the toilet is a much more desirable expirence. I have see it time after time. The parents who decide that underwear is the way to go have trained children in a matter of days...not years! So maybe the problem is really with the parennts who just don't want to deal with the mess of potty training. Most children will have accidents for the first few weeks. You have to be willing to put in a little effort as a parent. This may mean lots and lots of pee soaked and poopy laundry for a bit. This does not mean your child is not ready to learn it means you will have to put forth some effort as well...somthing many parents are not willing to do.
casmom
Mon, Jun 6, 2011 : 1:46 a.m.
@aamom, note that I never mentioned 2 being some magical age that all children should be potty trained. Actually I think most children are not ready at 2. I just think that if you have been potty training for 6 months or a year...somthing is very wrong. Maybe time to try somthing else if those magic pull ups have a child still not using the toilet at 4!
pbehjatnia
Sun, Jun 5, 2011 : 6:12 a.m.
thank you. there really must real parents in a2.
aamom
Sun, Jun 5, 2011 : 1:20 a.m.
I'm assuming as a daycare worker you've seen a lot of kids with miserable parents (per your comment below about pooping meaning they are gifted. Obviously your average parent doesn't think that.). But saying that a child who trains after 2 has parents who don't want to put in any effort is plain mean spirited. This is coming from a mom who is in the middle of potty training right now. No diapers for two weeks and still a lot of messes. So don't tell me 3 days works for everyone and don't imply that if I'd only put in some effort he would have been done in 3 days! Sorry for the vent (it really has been a rough two weeks), but I let my other two do it differently. I always had a potty out and available and offered it throughout the day but waited until they wanted to instead of making them sit on it and cry. They trained at 3 with no accidents. I didn't do it this way because I didn't want to put in any effort. I tried to put them on the potty a few times and they resisted. Our pediatrician where we lived at the time said not to worry about it until they were 3 - so I didn't and it all worked out beautifully. Now I'm trying it the way I'm "supposed" to do it according to people around here and I'm finding it messy, yes, but also frustrating and a source of friction between me and my child. He's getting better at it I think but having done it both ways and achieving the same end result, I'm not sure it was worth it. I am fortunate that the cost of diapers doesn't have to factor in to when I train. I know many people have to make them do it very early just to save money. So they can pay the daycare : )
John B.
Sat, Jun 4, 2011 : 4:14 p.m.
Once a child is ready for toilet training (and when there is no physiological reason they can't do it...) then it really becomes an issue of control, in my humble opinion. Our son was ready by about two, but wasn't very interested. At about two-and-a-half, we asked him when he would be. He said that "at three, I won't use diapers any more." Soon after his third b'day, we reminded him of that statement, and he tried to "negotiate." Sorry, dude, we're just following your "deal." He never wore a diaper again, and never had an "accident."
Peregrine
Sat, Jun 4, 2011 : 2:49 p.m.
AnnArbor.com removed my HTML link. So let me just paste the URL here. This is the National Institutes of Health PubMed page on Enuresis/Bed-Wetting: <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0002523/" rel='nofollow'>http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0002523/</a>
Peregrine
Sat, Jun 4, 2011 : 2:46 p.m.
People vary. Children vary. So people who have experience with a few kids and proclaim themselves experts are fooling themselves. If you want to understand Enuresis there's a lot of useful information based on clinical research on the National Institutes of Health PubMed system. Not that science matters to many this day and age.
krc
Sat, Jun 4, 2011 : 2:01 p.m.
I tried pottytraining my first daughter at 16 months. Poor little thing. Back in diapers she went and was trained at about 2 1/2. I decided to train my son at exactly two years old. Well, that was a debacle, so back in diapers he went for another year and was sucessful after that. To all you parents who think their babies are trained before two years old: it is you that are trianed, not your precious little ones.
babmay11
Sat, Jun 4, 2011 : 5:59 p.m.
Most kids could easily be trained at 2 if you are willing to put in the work and be absolutely 100% consistent and positive. Most people can't do it either for legitimate reasons or not.
John B.
Sat, Jun 4, 2011 : 4:17 p.m.
I would agree with you. Two may be early in most cases, but not all, and unilaterally picking an arbitrary date for no reason is highly unlikely to work.
stunhsif
Sat, Jun 4, 2011 : 1:12 p.m.
And a know it all has just shown up and tells us to "get a life" if your child is not potty trained by two years of age. I agree with you fully Eva. We are just starting to work on potty training with our 2 year 9 month old son and he has no interest. As a Dad, I get really tired of hearing ( always women) brag about their ability to potty train their kids before age two. I say , if that is all you have to brag about, well , ???????. My daughter, now 21 years old had to wear "pull ups" at night because she was a deep sleeper and would urinate in her sleep. We tried everything including a buzzer that would go off in her pull up if she starting to go. She was traumatized when she went to a slumber party (age 11 ) and the girls found out she was wearing a pull up. They were cruel enough that we had to go pick her up and bring her home. The girls then made fun of her at school and everyone knew of my daughter's problem. That one incident destroyed her self esteem for months. She finally stopped having issues at the age of 12.
pbehjatnia
Sat, Jun 4, 2011 : 11:12 a.m.
i nannied for 7 years. during this time i toilette trained 3 children, one girl and two boys. i am sorry. parents who dont get on it and train their children before age two are just plain lazy. i dont care about your excuses because that is all they are: excuses. they are the same crap you say when you dont want to teach your child any basic manners: he isnt ready, when he is ready he will do it, i dont want to push too hard, this will inhibit his personal development, and the best? dont make ME feel bad. get a life people. your kid must be toilette trained to attend k-garten and most preschool programs. johnny boy must also have basic manners to be accepted into society. no one wants to deal with your smelly unruly kid and your self centered pathetic excuses. seriously. no one.
aamom
Sat, Jun 4, 2011 : 7:26 p.m.
Wow! Didn't realize the nanny profession made people so bitter!
John B.
Sat, Jun 4, 2011 : 4:31 p.m.
I don't think you can say that all kids should be trained by age two. Age three or four perhaps, but not two.
kay
Sat, Jun 4, 2011 : 1:01 p.m.
Hardest job in the world: Being a Mom Easiest job ever: Criticizing others Maybe if you'd trained 100 different kids I would be impressed and seeking your advice. I got my daughter on the potty train well before 2 but have had many derailments (constipation!) and still feel like we're chugging up hill a year later. As a stay-at-home mom, some days I feel like my worth as a person can only be measured in how many times my daughter uses the potty vs. soiling her underwear. Hard-working moms like myself do not need know-it-all people like you making us feel even worse! According to my mom-in-law, my stubborn rocket-scientist husband was still in diapers after 3 and then his fun-loving baby brother was out of them by 15 months! Every kid is different!!!!
treetowncartel
Sat, Jun 4, 2011 : 1:27 a.m.
Everyone progresses at their own rate, my youngest beat my oldest to going number 2 in the toilet. No 12 year old wears diapers and no 14 year old sleeps in their parents bed. exceptions proving the rule excluded.
Leanne
Sat, Jun 4, 2011 : 12:26 a.m.
"Now both are done, and I will not ever have to send a child to kindergarten in diapers." Good. Send a child to kindergarten un-potty trained and you're bound to be met with legitimate disapproval. The author is correct in suggesting that potty training shouldn't incite a "pissing contest" among mothers, but sometimes you can't cater to children's whims. If you're kid is dang-near five-years old and hasn't mastered the art of using a toilet, well that's...that's probably a sign that you need to do away the diapers/pull-ups stat.
Eva Johnson
Sat, Jun 4, 2011 : 1:55 a.m.
As a wise mom once told me, you can lead them to the potty but you can't make them pee. I took away diapers when they were both three! :)