Swordfish are amazing. What's not to love about a swordfish? It's a fish -- with a sword attached to its face. And it knows how to use it.

According to the Florida Museum of Natural History Ichthyology Department, swordfish are distributed throughout the world's oceans. They can grow to be almost 15 feet long and 1,400 pounds. The females are bigger and badder than the males.

CJ had a rough day at work. I did my part to help by dropping both girls at her office at dinnertime and heading off to play soccer. When I got home, the girls were in bed and CJ was nursing a glass of wine and watching a terrible movie on FX. This is the story she told of their evening at home.

Jocelyn was crying -- because, she said, Zoe kept chopping off her swordfish sword.

This hearkens back to a game from the night before. Jocelyn demarcates between fantasy and reality by saying, "In The Game." "In the game, you're king of bubblegum and we're the princesses," or, "In the game, I'm a magic chipmunk named Chatter that can turn into a talking cat." She may announce this out of nowhere. She'll find me washing dishes and say, "In the game, you're the daddy panda," without necessarily explaining what the game is or ascertaining my availability to play. And that's cool.

The other night, In The Game, Jocelyn was a swordfish with a sword "as big as you, daddy." This presented certain challenges for brushing teeth and reading a bedtime story. Every time she turned her head to see what Cam Jansen was "clicking" about, we were all in danger of getting slashed by her enormous, invisible swordfish bill.

So -- back to this evening -- when Jocelyn accuses Zoe of chopping off her swordfish sword, you understand that Zoe isn't actually touching or taking anything away from her. She's just sawing her hand in front of Jocelyn's face and saying, "There, I chopped off your swordfish sword."

CJ handled Jocelyn's hysterics over the allegedly amputated swordfish sword with admirable grace and calm, considering the mood that work had put her in. She simply suggested that Jocelyn go upstairs and start to get ready for bed. And she did! Then CJ went to ask Zoe what that was all about.

Zoe defended her actions by insisting that she was only doing it -- chopping off the swordfish sword -- when Jocelyn was poking her with it.

"But it's pretend," CJ pointed out. "She wasn't actually poking you with anything."

"But she was doing it so meanly."

"Okay, but still -- it's pretend."

At this point, Zoe stomped upstairs in tears, with perhaps a dramatic flourish involving the phrase "you don't understand."

By the time CJ got upstairs, both girls were happily going about their bedtime routines. The three of them shared a pleasant two chapters of the next Cam Jansen story, plus good night kisses, and no one got gored.

According to the Florida Museum of Natural History Ichthyology Department, "Although mainly a warm-water species, the swordfish has the widest temperature tolerance of any billfish."

Scott Beal is a stay-at-home dad whose mother called him today to say, "Aren't you overdue for an AnnArbor.com post?"

photo credits:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/mr_gumby/ / CC BY 2.0