What do you do with a strong-willed child?
One of Dr. James Dobson's books on the strong-willed child.
Angela Verges | Contributor
It was a typical Sunday morning, or so I thought, as I awakened the boys for church. I was not prepared for the battle that I faced. It wasn’t a struggle of man versus nature or man versus himself, but parent versus child.
My son did not want to get up, let alone get dressed. When he finally got dressed, he got back in the bed and pulled the covers over him.
My son was adamant that he was not leaving the house. I had to assist him, kicking and screaming. By the time we made it down the stairs from his bedroom, I was sweating in my suit, and my heart rate was elevated.
Poise and grace, my occasional friends, were no where to be found. By the time we reached church I had frown lines in my forehead. What do you do with a strong-willed child?
If you have experienced a situation similar to this, you probably know the frustration of seeing your bright child become stubborn and uncooperative. You may have a strong-willed child.
According to an article at applest.com, Dr. James Dobson first introduced the term "strong-willed child." Dr. Dobson believed that, “the strong-willed child possesses more creative potential and strength of character than his compliant siblings, provided his parents help him channel his impulses and gain control of his rampaging will.”
When the strong-willed child comes out in my son, it’s like I am in battle with all of the monsters from Monsters, Inc. Where is Superman when you need him?
Here’s a question to ponder: How do you know your child is a strong-willed child and not just temporarily exhibiting defiant behavior? (www.applest.com/strongwilled.asp)
We know that everyone has different learning styles; the article at applest.com says that a strong will also can come in all learning styles. It further stated that strong-willed children and adults have several characteristics in common.
The article provided a checklist of items to measure you and your child’s level of strong will. Check all the items that apply to you, then go back and check those that apply to your child.
____almost never accepts words like “impossible” or phrases like “it can’t be done.”
____can move with lightening speed from a warm, loving presence to a cold, immovable force.
____may argue the point into the ground, sometimes just to see how far into the ground the point will go.
____when bored, would rather create a crisis than have a day go by without incident.
____considers rules to be more like guidelines (i.e. as long as I’m abiding by the “spirit of the law,” why are you being so picky?)
____shows great creativity and resourcefulness-seems to always find a way to accomplish a goal.
____can turn what seems to be the smallest issue into a grand crusade or a raging controversy.
____doesn’t do things just because “you are supposed to — it needs to matter personally.
____refuses to obey unconditionally, seems to always have a few terms of negotiation before complying.
____is not afraid to try the unknown; to conquer the unfamiliar.
____can take what was meant to be the simplest request and interpret it as an offensive ultimatum.
____may not actually apologize, but almost always makes thing right.
Determine how much strong will you have by the scoring system below;
0-3 You’ve got it, but you don’t use it much.
4-7 You use it when you need to, but not on a daily basis.
8-10 You’ve got a very healthy dose of it, but you can back off when you want to.
11-12 You don’t leave home without it-and it’s almost impossible to not use it.
If you are the parent of a strong-willed child it may be helpful to direct your child’s energy into channels that will achieve positive results. This will look different for each child based on your child’s interests.
It has been said that being strong-willed does not have to be a negative trait. “Thomas Jefferson, Albert Einstein, Joan of Arc were strong willed and refused to believe their dreams were impossible.”
What do you don with a strong-willed child? Love him, find ways to encourage him to be the best that he can be, and keep the faith.
Angela Verges is a writer and mother of two. She can be reached at awritersdream41@yahoo.com.
Comments
Meg
Fri, May 20, 2011 : 11:26 a.m.
Parenting advice from Focus on the Family? No thanks. I prefer actual evidence base.
Angela Verges
Fri, May 20, 2011 : 2:09 a.m.
Macabre, you make a good point about taking away something that matters to the child. In this case being made to go to church wasn't really the issue. The child just didn't want to leave the house and wanted his way. In any situation you have to consider the circumstances and address things accordingly. It could have just as easily been a school day and he didn't feel like going...the circumstances? possible lack of sleep. I believe in giving a cooling off period and that was done. Sometimes as parents we also need time to step away and regroup before things turn into a yelling match. Thanks for your comments.
treetowncartel
Fri, May 20, 2011 : 2:38 a.m.
So, where is the DSi at in this story, or the tv? Or didn't this hard headed kid have anyhthing like that?
Macabre Sunset
Thu, May 19, 2011 : 10:35 p.m.
You need to find the child's language. If they misbehave, you take away something that matters to him. I hate the idea that anyone would force a child to go to church - definitely guaranteeing a rebellion against it later. But maybe that's a good thing. Church must be torture for the little ones. Worse than spanking, even.
dotdash
Thu, May 19, 2011 : 8 p.m.
Children differ in the strength of their wills, just like hair color, athleticism, height, etc. It's nice to see this issue getting some attention because parents of strong-willed children really do have a different set of parenting tasks than the parents of shy children, for instance, or extroverted children. I'm still learning how to parent my strong-willed child, but I have found that backing away from the confrontation can be very helpful. I'll ask her to do something; she'll refuse. If I insist, we can get into a spiral downwards. Often, if I back off, saying something like, "You know I'd like you to do X" but not forcing or insisting in that moment, she'll be able to back down, too. And as often as not, in 5-10 minutes, she'll come back and say, "I'm ready to do X". Strong willed children are more likely to be beaten and suffer child abuse than other children (see ChelseaBob's response above). If parents can identify and work with their children's temperaments (whether strong-willed or shy, outgoing or oversensitive), they can support their children in positive ways.
treetowncartel
Thu, May 19, 2011 : 7:55 p.m.
Take things away and start making your kids earn them. Also, as a parent you need to be willing to not allow your kid experience a bad time or disappointment once in a while. Its part of making them a well rounded individual.
treetowncartel
Fri, May 20, 2011 : 1:43 a.m.
Ok, please remove the word not from my post. and ad to after kid, urgggh.
BhavanaJagat
Thu, May 19, 2011 : 5:19 p.m.
A very nice post which is relevant to all adults, parents or otherwise. My wife always mentions about the problem she had faced at her home while she was young. Her eldest brother had always resisted the idea of attending Church on Sunday mornings and the friction and the stress it generated is still very fresh, and vivid in her memory. I grew up in a Hindu home where we practice humility in everything we do. My grandmother would not eat her breakfast until she had seen the morning rising Sun and said her prayers to Sun. During rainy season, clouds block the viewing of Sun and she used to wait for hours to complete this very simple ritual. As a kid, I used to often watch the sky, and patiently wait for the opportunity, for the Sun to show up as the clouds drift and alert my grandmother to come out of the house for her worship. Myself, and my kid brother also used to escort our great grandmother to walk to the River for a simple ritualistic dip in the holy river to start her day. We need to practice the art of submitting to the Lord's Will as many times as possible and in the Indian tradition almost every act includes invoking the name of one or the other Gods who are symbolically associated with all kinds of routine human activities like eating, bathing, reading, or work.
Grace1
Thu, May 19, 2011 : 3:28 p.m.
I do not think spanking is the answer to most behavioral issues. Each child can act out or become defiant for different reasons. Take the time and energy to address the issues and really get to know each child for his/her unique individuality. Do research, seek counseling, either professional or through family and friends. Remember, a child needs and wants guidance, love, acceptance, discipline as necessary. Parenting can be a very difficult, frustrating job. Ask yourself: what can I do to the best of my abilities at this point in time to guide, nurture this "strong willed" child to bring about his/her best characters.
ChelseaBob
Thu, May 19, 2011 : 10:28 a.m.
That's what spankings are for.
Dave66
Fri, May 20, 2011 : 12:44 a.m.
Close. Try super-glue.