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Posted on Sat, Feb 19, 2011 : 6:30 a.m.

Dealing with sibling rivalry: Jealous toddler brother hurting baby sister

By Kerry Novick

Dear Kerry,
A lot of the parenting books I’ve read talk about understanding where my 2 ½ year old is coming from. The other day he pinched his baby sister hard. I was mad, but I tried to talk to him about his angry feelings since we brought the baby home. Then he did it again the next day! Why didn’t it make a difference when I told him I understood his jealousy?
-TS, Ann Arbor

Dear TS,
I’m impressed that you could keep your temper when your toddler hurt the baby. It’s really hard to meet the needs of both children at the best of times, but it can feel impossible when their needs conflict. I think you are on the right track, but there are a couple of crucial steps that will make the difference you are seeking.

Since you’ve been reading up on parenting (good job, by the way, since knowledge helps you become a more thoughtful parent), you know that your son feels jealous. He is struggling with sibling rivalry, which is a normal feeling. In fact, it makes perfect sense, as everything has changed since the baby was born. Why shouldn’t he blame her for the decrease in attention and all the changes in routine? He probably has to wait a lot longer for everything than he used to. So you do understand his frustration and anger. His behavior makes sense to you.

But an explanation is not the same as justification. Feeling angry should be a signal that there is a problem to solve, not an excuse to lash out. Two year olds are developing and practicing the emotional muscle of turning feeling states into internal signals, so he is just the right age for you to help him make this big step in his growth.

It’s important for you to make the distinction between action and thoughts or feelings. Your little boy, like all of us, is free to feel and think whatever he wants. But he is not allowed to hit or hurt others. We have freedom of speech, but also laws to regulate our actions and stop us harming anyone else.

The first thing to do is to firmly stop him hitting, pinching or poking. “No you are not allowed to pinch your sister,” and move him physically away from her. Next you can offer your understanding of how hard it is for him to wait sometimes and how angry he gets when she needs your attention. “We can talk about those angry feelings. But your angry feeling doesn’t mean you can ever hit her. When she is bigger, I won’t let her hit you either.”

Then you can try to find something better for him to do. Parents with two little ones sometimes need to take stock of whether they are asking too much of the “big” brother or sister, when they are still only toddlers. You can make sure to spend some special time playing with “big kid” toys or going out to the coffee shop with just the older child. When your demands are not too great, your toddler will be relieved to be stopped immediately and clearly from doing something he knows is wrong. A calm, firm reminder should only be needed a few times before he will get the message that you really mean it. He will gain the emotional muscle to stop himself acting on his feelings and begin to put them into words, so you can solve the problem together.

Kerry Kelly Novick is a local child, adolescent and adult psychoanalyst, and author, with Jack Novick, of “Emotional Muscle: Strong Parents, Strong Children,” available at amazon.com or through http://www.buildemotionalmuscle.com. She welcomes your email with comments and questions for future columns at kerrynovick@gmail.com.