Dear Kerry,
My daughter’s school was locked down twice in recent weeks because armed and dangerous bank robbers were at large in the neighborhood. I was frightened by these incidents, and I can only imagine my child was too. She doesn’t seem to want to talk about it, so I don’t know how much to discuss it with her. Any suggestions?
JL, Ann Arbor

Dear JL,
These events are scary all round for children and parents. Parents drop their kids off at school every day, and we take it for granted that everything will be all right. Then something happens that jolts us out of that comfort zone. It’s reassuring to know that the schools have planned ahead and thought through what to do in dangerous situations. Locking down a school is a sensible precaution. But it’s hard for parents to regain calm when an incident triggers all our dire imaginings.

Kids often respond to sudden crises either by asking endless questions or by clamming up. It’s frustrating for grownups — even when children ask a ton of questions, they don’t always seem reassured by the answers. When they don’t ask us, we can’t tell whether they’re too upset to talk or whether they’re over it and we would be stirring the pot to insist on a discussion.

Information is the key to feeling safe and staying calm, for children and grownups. But the information has to be accurate, realistic and, most important of all, geared to the age, understanding and emotional maturity of the child. So the first task for parents is to find out from the school and other authorities what happened, how it was dealt with and what the teachers told the children. Then you have a baseline to work from.

Once you know what the children were told, you can listen for your child’s version. The story she tells will give you clues to what her worries may be. If your first-grader says, “There were a whole bunch of bad men running around!” you can tell her that there were only two people and that the police will catch them.

Knowing that grownups know what to do is the best security for children. You can underline that the men were trying to rob a bank and were not coming to any other buildings. You can say that school staff were making sure that no one dangerous could come into school by locking the doors and only letting people they know come in. You can also remind them that teachers always have plans, like fire drills and tornado drills, just like parents know what to do at home when the tornado sirens sound.

A 10-year-old might be both excited and scared, which can be a confusing combination. It’s useful for him to learn the difference between TV shows and real life, so you might say, “It’s exciting when it’s pretend on a show, but it’s scary and kind of sad in real life. People who rob banks must feel pretty desperate, but they still shouldn’t do the wrong thing and make people scared.”

Middle-schoolers who want to seem cool may not say they were frightened, but it wouldn’t be surprising for even such big kids to need an extra hug at bedtime. Parents can take the lead, saying “I’m so glad they kept you all safe at school. It was a scary day for all of us.”

Most kids of any age will seek reassurance that it won’t happen again. Unfortunately we can’t guarantee that, so we shouldn’t promise. Honesty is always the best policy. We can, however, meet the underlying fears by emphasizing that police officers protect us all, that school principals and teachers are trained to know what to do in emergencies, and that violent crimes are rare in most places.

Readers - please let us know how your kids reacted and what they said.

Kerry Kelly Novick is a local child, adolescent and adult psychoanalyst, affiliated with the Michigan Psychoanalytic Institute and the Michigan Psychoanalytic Council. She is a founder of Allen Creek Preschool and author, with Jack Novick, of “Emotional Muscle,” available at http://www.xlibris.com or buildemotionalmuscle.com. You can reach her through AllenCreek.org, or you can e-mail her your comments and questions for future columns. The ideas and opinions in this column are Kerry Kelly Novick’s and do not necessarily represent the views of Allen Creek Preschool, MPI or MPC.