the deuce: Building the perfect wedding speech with Dave Brandon and the guy from '8 Mile'

THE HEAVY HITTER - DAVE BRANDON
To put me over the top, I sought out the most powerful person in my Rolodex to give me pointers on the perfect speech. No, not Tony Dearing (though I hear that dood can bench 250 pounds 12 times!). I asked my boss for advice, the one and only Dave Brandon. 

Dave has held a few jobs that have given him a chance to hone his public speaking skills, most recently as CEO of Domino’s Pizza and of course as the University of Michigan’s new athletic director. I’ve seen this guy in action. He’s good!

I know Dave is extremely busy, so I sent him an e-mail at 1 p.m. a few Thursdays ago and he responded by 10 p.m. that night! That’s employee relations (or maybe he’s trying to avoid the headline “Wedding Toast Leads to Donnybrook” on the front page of Michigan City’s Beacher Weekly Newspaper). In his reply, Dave even did that thing where you go into the body of the person’s e-mail and add your notes in all caps to make it easier to read. Groom Jason and I do that all the time. I love that! I swear I’m not sucking up.

“Rehearse, rehearse, rehearse,” is Dave’s first, second and third tip. “Make sure the best part of your speech is at the beginning. If things get off to a good start, the audience will connect with you and things will get easier.”

I didn’t share the first draft of my speech with him, the draft where the best part of my speech comes at the end. We’re barely out of the gate on the advice and already I have major edits.

“Make sure to speak for less time than they expect you to speak,” the advice continues. “No one likes someone who overstays their welcome.”

Here I’m OK. My speech is a minute and a half, tops. But it’s laced with profanity! Please, please, please don’t say profanity is a bad idea!

“Finally, be yourself,” the e-mail concludes. “If you try to be a comedian when you aren’t, or dramatic when you aren’t, or an academic when you aren’t, you’ll come across as an actor, or worse, you’ll come across as a phony.”

Nothing about swearing. Phew.

DAVE BRANDON’S MOST NERVE-WRACKING PUBLIC SPEAKING MOMENT EVER
I was sure to ask Dave about his most nerve-wracking experience speaking in front of a live audience. I was expecting an anecdote about a shareholders’ meeting or a big Michigan gathering early in his athletic director tenure, but Dave reached back to when he was a 14-year-old punt, pass and kicker.

“I was a national finalist in the punt, pass and kick contest and ended up competing at the Los Angeles Coliseum at halftime of an NFL playoff game. I was beaten out by a kid from San Francisco who was 6-1 and weighed 180lbs - he was kicking 50-yard field goals in practice! The following year the Detroit Lions asked me to put on a halftime demonstration at one of their games to launch that year’s the punt, pass and kick contest. They gave me a live field microphone and I was the halftime entertainment! A 14-year-old kid speaking for several minutes to a stadium packed with 55,000 people - no notes, no podium and no practice. I had a few nervous moments but it went great and an experience like that at such a young age gave me a lot of confidence!”

It’s too late for my trial by fire. First, I can’t punt or pass for crap (and I think I’m a bit old to participate). The largest group I’ve had to stand in front of and address was no more than 50 strong. It was probably karaoke and I was probably singing "She's Like the Wind." It’s easy to be carefree and coolheaded when you can hide behind Swayze’s words. When they’re my words, it’s not quite as simple.

I want my toast to be heartfelt but also a little funny. I consider myself a decently funny guy and since I don’t do so well with the feelings, I figure I can combine saying nice things about the bride and groom with a little tension-cutting humor. I’m aiming for chuckles, not water works. I’ll leave those to groomsman Nick, who cries a LOT! Seriously, I’m looking forward to watching him blubber during the ceremony, the reception, brunch the next day, the goodbye …

THE STAND-UP COMEDIAN/ACTOR - RUSSELL RABB
For advice on working hilarity into my speech, I consulted actor, stand-up comedian and radio personality Russell Rabb. He’s appeared in "8 Mile" and "The Island" while also doing local and national commercials and hosting a stand-up comedy night at the Tower Inn in Ypsilanti. 

Russell started as a stage actor and moved on to comedy, then to the silver screen. He’s comfortable on stage and in front of the camera and teaches stand-up comedy classes to help aspiring funny people learn the ropes — from the writing process to stage presence to something he calls mic control. Twenty minutes with Russell is an education.

Russell tells me about the work he’s done and recounts a number of great stories that I don’t have room for today (I plan to do a bigger profile on Mr. Rabb in the near future - don’t worry!) Russell’s biggest splash was in "8 Mile" where he talked his way from a role as an extra into a part where he briefly shared a scene with the film’s star, Eminem.

“This is when Eminem was at the height of his Eminem-ness,” Russell says, excitedly. He talks a lot with his hands and his eyes get really big when he’s telling stories that involve a lot of action. “We were getting ready to shoot this scene where I’m in line for the bathroom and Eminem comes out. The director told me, ‘You’re pissed off and you want to use the bathroom.’ He told me to do whatever came naturally, so when he said action and Eminem opened the bathroom door, I threw him up against it. The director started screaming cut and I saw Eminem’s huge bodyguard reach into his jacket. ‘Don’t touch him,’ the director yelled, so we tried it again. The second time I just stood there and the director yelled cut again and threatened to throw me off the set if I didn’t get it right in the next take. The third one worked and that’s the one they used in the movie.”

Not only did they use it in the movie, but it was included in Eminem’s video for "Lose Yourself." Skip ahead to 1:24 and you’ll see Russell throw up his hands in disgust as Eminem exits the bathroom. Note that he doesn’t touch him.

THE PROFESSIONAL BEST MAN
Russell has a long best man resume as well, having served in the role four times. Before we got into the particulars of my speech, Russell started peppering me with questions.

“Is it a big wedding?” No.
“Are you going to have a mic?” I don’t know.
“Will it be a big room?” I don’t know.
“Is it going to be a conservative crowd or an emotional crowd?” Both, I don’t know!
I start getting more and more nervous with each question.

“Be yourself,” Russell stresses. “If you try to be funny, chances are you won’t be funny. Some best men die trying to do a comedy routine. My speeches have been different each time - each wedding is unique. One crowd was really into the church, so my speech was white bread with easy mayonnaise. Another one was an emotional wedding, so I told a story about something that happened at the altar. I’m a big advocate of putting things you want to say through your own filter and delivering them in your own words.”

It’s amazing how similar Dave and Russell’s advice are. Lessons learned from the CEO’s desk and the stand-up comedian’s stage. Neither of them advocated a knock-knock joke opening (another speech edit!) or a ribald story about Jason and a previous conquest (speech edit) or a Patrick Swayze song (SPEECH EDIT!).

“Be comfortable and relaxed and it’ll come across,” Russell adds. “Be like a DJ. Play to the crowd. If you play Weird Al, nobody’s going to dance. So play something else.” But Jason loves Weird Al! I’m so confused.

FINAL THOUGHTS (PRAYERS?)
I’m as equipped as I’m going to be for this wedding. I’ve had several months to plan and I’ve squandered all but about nine days. Thanks to everyone who helped prepare me for these nuptials. The fine folks at Abercrombie & Fitch (actually, thanks for nothing!), Josh Johnson from Sparrow Gym, Dave Brandon, Russell Rabb and Stefanie Murray of AnnArbor.com for indulging me in this mini-odyssey. It’s so much cheaper to write about this wedding than work these issues out in on a therapist's couch or in a basement saloon.

For those interested, I’ll be sure to report how the wedding went. I’ll have the rest of the wedding party critique my performance and perhaps share some of their thoughts as well. Leave a comment on this story to wish Jason, Amy and of course ME the best of luck. I hope they like the chip and dip I got them. Fingers crossed!

(Richard Retyi writes a bi-weekly(ish) column called Lie to Your Cats About Santa and promises never to write about weddings again once this one is in the books. He prefers to write about seasonal fashion trends and noodling for flatheads. Send your exceptional story ideas to richretyi@gmail.com and read more of his stuff here. Oh, exclusive news: Rich will be combining forces in the next few weeks with an Ann Arbor celebrity to launch a new blog. Check back for details.)